I Have Every Right To Be Angry


Yesterday, we received Chazz’s blood work checking his growth hormome levels. And they came back low.

A burning negative energy bubbles up into my chest whenever I think about it. The hormone levels, the eye appointments, the MRI’s. All of it. It’s caused a burning hate to consuming me.

I hate myself for failing him. I wonder where I went wrong. I tried so hard when I was pregnant. To eat right, to take my prenatals and my $40 DHA pills, to not smoke.

I am a diehard perfectionist. Obsessing over a perfect pregnancy came naturally. After miscarrying our first, there was no way I was taking a second chance for granted.

But somehow, somewhere along the line, something got messed up. I messed it up. Did I touch some chemical? Wasn’t I careful enough? Why doesn’t anyone have answers? All questions I’ve had since the day we found out about his ONH. I just want answers. And when there are no answers, all I feel is this burning, empty hate.

I have every right to be angry.

Towards God. Towards myself. Towards everyone and their healthy babies. Because if there are no answers and there is a God, then I see no reason why this had to happen.

I took every precaution and made every sacrifice for him. All for him. And to think back, and feel like it was in vain. Or that it wasn’t worthwhile. Makes my insides tighten and my eyes swell up with tears. And my body burns with anger. My selfless sacrifices were nothing.

I have every right to be angry.

What about others? Who smoked cigarettes and drank while knowingly pregnant with no intention of stopping.

And here I am, sacrifices and all, left to worry and to wonder. To watch my baby be put under anesthesia at 3 months old for an MRI. To worry about how I could ever possibly afford growth hormone shots at $500 a pop. To google stem cell injection procedures and cosmetic surgeries until all hours of the morning.

Didn’t I sacrifice enough? Didn’t I prove myself worthy? Didn’t I do it all? And with a smile on my face and a happy fucking tune in my heart. Selfless sacrifice.

And for what?

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8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Beth
    Dec 11, 2010 @ 17:21:50

    I’ve been reading for a while and was never really compelled to comment until now. Believe all you did was worth while. You gave all your love for that boy and what else could you do? Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason that things happen. No specific thing to blame. Just trust in God that Chazz will perservere and sometimes believing with all your heart is all you can do. All things work together for good and with a devoted mom he will do well. Sorry to go on and on it just broke my heart to hear another mom feeling so bad.

    Reply

    • Chelcie Tragedy
      Dec 11, 2010 @ 19:36:04

      Thank you for you comment, Beth. It has been such a whirwind of emotions for me. My heart being so full of warm fuzzies and love for Chazz that it could burst, but at the same time, being so angry about something I can’t even control. I’ve been praying hard for strength, and your point about “sometime believing with all of your heart is all you can do” really struck a chord with me. I’m trying to be reasonable with myself, stop the blame, and hope for the best.

      Thanks for the support and wise words mama. *Chelcie*

      Reply

  2. Dad
    Dec 11, 2010 @ 19:40:00

    Hey BabyGirl, I think you did an awesome job when you were carrying LittleMan – and you did everything right. Some folks get challenged in life and others don’t – ain’t fair, but it is life. You want to get mad at something, but don’t be because when LittleMan looks at you and MyBoy with all the love and adoration his body holds it makes this old jarhead very happy and full of pride in the miracle you two have accomplished. He is a miracle to me and a never ending source of pride when I show his pictures to folks – whether they really care or not doesn’t phase me in the least – I’m a happy man because he is in my world and giggles his butt off when I tickle him with my whiskers. I’m waiting at the airport now for the last leg of my flight home so I’ll see you soon. Remember that you are Mom’s and my miracle your ownself.

    Reply

    • Chelcie Tragedy
      Dec 11, 2010 @ 20:24:14

      Awe, Dad. You made me tear up. And you’re right, it isn’t fair. But it’s life. It just gets discouraging when your working your butt off in everthing, and it’s just one more thing to not go right. It burns a little. But I keep reminding myself the last will be first and to not give up. Ugh, so hard.

      And Chazz is sitting here chatting away at me when I told him your were flying back home, lol. Waiting for Grandpa kisses, Cutie pie. Can’t wait to seeeeee yooouuuuu Dad! Your miracle 😀 , *Chelcie*

      Reply

  3. Babe_Chilla
    Dec 14, 2010 @ 14:52:08

    You do have every right to be angry, but you cannot blame yourself. Sometimes things just happen. It’s awful and ugly and unfair and very very cruel, but it’s not your fault.

    Be angry at the world hunny, but do not be angry at yourself!

    Reply

    • Chelcie Tragedy
      Dec 15, 2010 @ 19:53:51

      Aloha Brandee. (hehe get it?)

      “You do have every right to be angry, but you cannot blame yourself.” You could have quoted that straight from my brain.

      I’m trying to get to a point where I believe it, mama. Getting there.

      *Chelcie*

      Reply

  4. Trackback: A Bloggity Break « Forever&After
  5. bobbie
    Dec 25, 2010 @ 18:56:02

    Cece
    You & Roman made a beutiful baby boy, you did nothing wrong, Chazz is so handsome and my little man. Every time i have him, he is such a joy and i don’t think of the problems i just enjoy him so much. You love him and do everything for him. I do know how you feel, Your a very strong girl, your love and Romans Love you both will get though this.

    Reply

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