So You Think You’re Ready To Have A Kid, Huh?

This is making the rounds on the net, and I had to share it.

So don’t think that this is my clever work. Oh, no. I only have the time to live these insane lessons, not write them down!
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Just in case you are contemplating bringing a child into this world, here is an 11-Step Program to see if you are ready:

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s Noggin?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying “mommy” repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each “mommy” occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the “mommy” tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Can you pass all 11?

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Welcome Spring!

We had to do something in celebration of Spring’s arrival.

The weather around here has apparently NOT got the memo.
It has been bitter cold and windy. This morning there was even the “S” word all over our yard. [you know, snow.]

What??
Not cool, Mother Nature. Not cool.

We needed something to liven up the place. Literally.

Chazz and I went on an adventure to the gardening store and picked out some funky plants, bright planters, and some good ol’ dirt.

While there, we had one of those moments too. Those warm fuzzies moments.

Strolling through the dirt aisle (me, pondering why an entire aisle is dedicated to dirt), I asked Chazz if he thought it was quite silly that we had to buy dirt. And right on cue, he said it, “DIRT!” (really accentuating the “T” like he does.)

Ohmygosh I was so proud! He said a word {a clear, audible word!} other than “Mom” or “Dad” and totally un-provoked.

I’m sure I beamed for like, 3 aisles, all the while trying to coax him to say it again by saying “dirt” 150 times.

But nope. And he hasn’t said it since. Stinker!

Chazz even pick out a plant. He wouldn’t take his eyes off of it after we walked by it, and kept turning around in the cart to see it, making this high-pitched whine whenever we lost sight of it.

I personally was torn between it ($12!! For a plant!?) and another smaller, less spiky looking variety (not $12… for a freaking plant)

Until he kinda gave me a cute-but-a-little-threatening look like “don’t make me throw a tantrum up in this place, lady. That plant is MINE!”

The heart wants what the heart wants.

So the bright, spiky plant came home with us, and so did my pretty flowers.

Bromeliad


Win-Win.

After his afternoon nap, we got to re-planting, AKA playing in the dirt/trying to eat leaves.

Green Thumb In Training

Chazz loved walking out on our patio to help me.

I think it was the first time he has, since it is normally covered in either snow or ice melt. Neither are toddler-friendly! So he got a kick out of opening the front door and walking in and out like a big kid.

And trying to eat our newly potted plants. What a turkey!

Checking up on his plant.

Despite the weather lately, Chazz and I had a wonderful time welcoming Spring. Now hopefully the sun will come out and stay so Chazz can help me grow these new plants!

It’s Wednesday, Right??

Wordless Wednesday
[and my own]
Webcam Wednesday
All in one fabulous post today.

For the Wordless Wednesday crowd

Love this kid to pieces.

I actually got Chazz to sit still a second and snap a webcam pic.

I love hanging out in his room on Wednesday mornings. And remebering to take a webcam pic makes it even more memorable.

He plays with his toys, and I catnap for a bit. 🙂 And we usually share a banana or a smoothie. (right now, a banana.) And listen to music. The kid loves tunes!

Webity Cam Wednesday 0_o

It’s that little bit of extra Quality time before the madness of the day begins. ❤

Surely, This Isn’t My Kid

A Walk In The Park

He couldn’t be. Because my Chazz Man couldn’t be 16 Months Old…

He couldn’t be walking EVERYWHERE.

Or eating his breakfast all by himself.

Playing tricks and causing trouble.

Its too soon for all of this!

He should be cradled in my arms, not squirming to get down to play.

I should be trying to decode his newborn cries, how is it I’m hearing him say “I did it!” from the other room?

He should be in his stroller napping away at the park, not walking next to us.

Or running ahead of us.

He should cling to me as I leave for work, not happily let me leave as he pushes his cars around.

My little noise box of a baby, is no longer a baby. In any sense of the word… Chazz is a walking, talking little. . . kid.

I’m enjoying this age. But struggling with it too.

Chazz is growing into a whole seperate human being. With unique feelings, emotions, attitudes. :]

The personalitity is what I think is really getting me. Its like, “ok, who are you??” Like meeting a new friend.

Chazz is so determined, strong-willed, and clever. He’s a funny guy. He laughs if we laugh. And is always trying to get smiles. Or to get a laugh out of us. Because of this little attribute, we’ve started to call him nicknames like “ham” and “cheeseball.”

Dad's Dude

He also has begun to get so “wise” in his old age.

Chazz likes to push buttons on the XBOX, but especially loves our phones and remotes. He turns off the answering system (no, I’m not ignoring calls!) and thinks it is just the coolest thing.

He speaks in what I call “Chazzese,” where words are all said together, with the random “DAH” (perhaps dad?) for good measure.

For example, his new (first and only) phrase, “I Did it!” goes more like:
“eye-dih-itt”

We have fun decoding what is what.

Chazz is a smarty. He points out his nose, mouth, sometimes his ears, and he loves to show us his belly button.

I love asking him to “show me your nose” and have him point to it [and I love that he then picks it even more!]

Along with walking, talking, and ‘tude, Chazz is also becoming a little more independant than he usually is. ::ahem velcro baby. cough cough::

Which kinda sucks.

I miss snuggling him all night, nursing him back to sleep if he woke. Feeling his little chest rise and fall while he snoozes away.

Its hard to look over in the middle of the night and see him in his crib, passed out, totally content with it.

Right now, in fact, he is playing alone in his room. I keep having to run over and open the door, because he obviously wants to be alone, he keeps shutting it!

But it is also okay.
I am no longer on a four foot leash.
I don’t always have a bathroom “buddy.”
I can cook a halfway decent meal.

It isn’t all bad.
Just different.

16 Months and counting then I guess.

{yes, I really did hope he would stay a baby forever.}

The Little Things

Wednesdays pretty much rock for one and-a-half reasons.

I get the day off WOOHOO! and Chazz is with Emily The Sitter for a half-day.

So.
I have a few hours by myself to run errands, pay bills, and clean house.

You know, things that would normally require you to drive/run around in circles, get in and out of the car a dozen times, and be in the general {rude} public. All things that aren’t so joyous or easily done when you have a trouble fun -loving toddler in tow. Entertaining, however, not productive.

And sometimes (okay, so far twice…), if I get all my stuff done like a good house wifey, I have a little spare time to do ::GASP!::
WHATEVER I WANT TO!

A couple weeks ago, I stopped at the park and took a few pictures.

Pertty snow.


Silly me, I was practicing with my new Canon, and had zoomed so far in, I didn’t see that the creeper herd of ducks was trying to surround me. And I wasn’t sticking around long enough for them to realize I wasn’t there to give them bread…

They seem like sweet ducks, at first...


Great, they're after me.

And this week? I decided to play it safe. Somewhere without bread crazed water fowl. And warm.

Retail Therapy.

I hit a few thrift stores to see what goodies I could find. =] And [maybe] I went to JoAnn’s, but “only for some inspiration.”

And boy, the goodies I found.

Feelin' a little spring-y!


Who couldn’t love the super funky vase. For $1.00 (A FREAKING DOLLAR, PEOPLE! love it!) This mustard yellow chunky bracelet was my first find. And when I [maybe] swung by JoAnn’s, I spotted that printed canvas wall art, and HAD to have it. At 60% off, I think it was a good deal.

Total Spent: $3.50
SCORE!

And while I was [maybe] at JoAnn’s, I got some fun ribbons and trinkets to try my hand at making hair clips. Really, I just saw the ribbon and had to create a spur of the moment craft to justify buying it, but hey.

Feelin' a little crafty!


Total Spent: $8.ISH

I did get a little something to indulge my domestic side.

because it just makes my heart smile 😛

Is this not the cutest oven mit? I love the bright lime, and obviously I was digging floral that day. Too bad it won’t stay that way forever! :]

Oh, and my other good find? (I’ll spare you pictures.) An unopened box of Huggies for $3. Say what?! Of all the cool things I found, this is what made my day, lol. I couldn’t believe it. Pretty much saved myself $20 and the gas to Target.

It’s the little things in life!

{Ten Reasons I Love Being A Boy Mom}

I am a list making kinda girl. There are shoping lists in my wallet, sticky notes on my work desk, and dream lists on my mirror.

Well here is my newest, most favorite-est list yet!

{TEN REASONS I LOVE BEING A BOY MOM}

BOY CLOTHES
Uhm is there anything cuter than overalls with muddy knees, plaid flannel shirts, skull beanies, or Hurley hoodies?

I think not!

Chazz’s wardrobe is pretty stellar if I do say so myself. I love the little stud muffin’s clothes as much as any of my own. {And I’m a serious shopper} Even if they are usually covered in dirt or a mystery sticky something-or-other. There is nothing more adorable.

And walking through the kid section of Target, looking at of the big boy outfits he’ll one day wear bring my great joy 🙂

BOY NOISES
The grunts. The random RAAAAAWR in the middle of church. This weird caveman-like language. i may not understand one grumbled word, but it sure is fun to try.

Its not just verbal noises. I love those banging, crashing, pounding sounds that come from the playroom. Heck, he was drumming in the womb! Always making noise.

And how can I forget those giggle-farts. That are somehow cute and repulsive all at once. How does he do it??

BOY TOYS
Yellow dump-trucks. Choo-choos. Race cars. Mud cakes. LEGOS!

Trumps Barbies and tea parties… I must say.

MESSY FACES
Besides anything booger related, I do love my messy faced boy. He loves his face messy. The first thing Chazz does when he has food or other stickyness in his hands? He rubs it in his hair and on his cute little cheeky-cheeks.

JUST LIKE HIS DADDY
Being a boy-mom even reminds me of all the little reasons why I fell in love with my husband. Chazz may be a mama’s boy, but he is Roman’s mini-me.

I love seeing him growing and looking more and more like his “Dada” everyday. When he was first born, he had all my features. And as time goes on he sure is starting to look like his handsome dad.

The coy smile (sometimes hiding the secret plot to cause trouble) is a mirror image of Roman’s.

The big hugs and kisses? He does just like his dad.
And the cutest cheeks EVAR!!

I’ve heard a lot of cute stories about Roman as a baby and toddler… And
sometimes they sound just like things Chazz does! Like reverse de ja vu.
{He has yet to utter his first swear word and then hide under the table laughing like Roman though. Maybe we’ll skip that one??.}

A BIG BOY FUTURE
He is a little boy who will one day be a man, all his own. And while, it scares me to think one day he will break hearts, fall in love, raise a family of his own, it also brings a deep pride to know we are the one’s teaching him how to do it!

BOY TROUBLE
No I dont LOVE the tantrums, trouble-making, and dramatic head banging… but there is something about the trouble making nature of the little man that makes my heart smile a little. I think he is a hard headed carefree-spirit under all that torn up toilet paper and tipped over laundry baskets. He’s my little free thinking rebel.

And I’m sure as he gets older, the boy trouble will be different.

But on the bright side, at least we only have to worry about one boy instead of ALL of them! 😉

BOY FOODS
Okay so I love food. And I love the fact that sometimes, chicken nuggets, mac and cheese, and cheeseburgers are on toddler menu. And I get to finish off whatever he doesn’t eat, right?

BOY HAIR
Chazz has quite the ‘do!
He was born with what I thought then was a full head of hair. Well it has only grown since!

And I don’t see it getting cut any time soon. Nope. Can’t do it!
The little curls that form right after he’s out of the bath are to adorable to cut.
He’ll be the little hippy boy with the long hair for now.

BOY LOVES
I’ve heard from a lot of ‘girl moms’ that the loves are different between boys and girls. I secretly like that Chazz is my Velcro Baby. I don’t know how, but whatever it is I’ll stick with my boy loves! I mean, how could anyone cuddle, hug, or snuggle better?

Those are ten reasons I am loving being Mama to Chazz right now. And while I will be the first to admit, I was a little scared when we found out he was infact (and very proud to be…) a he.

But looking back, the fun I have now being a “boy mom”, I wouldn’t trade for all the pink glitter in the world.

The Chazz Lately: Edition V

Chazz has been sick this week, so he hasn’t been up to much besides snuggling.

My Sick Lil Man


The poor kid has Croup, which basically means little sleep at night due to a lot of coughing followed by pure exaustion all day. He’s passed out on the couch next to me as I type. After his nap..

The only plus to it all is that I got to stay home with him on Tuesday. We had a nice lazy day at home, watching his favorite music videos and cuddling on the couch. We had a good time, even though he wasn’t feeling par.

The night time coughing fits have been hard on the poor guy, too. He’s up quite a bit, but I’ve found different things to ease his coughing and get him back to sleeping.

If I steam the bathroom, it helps him cough that stuff up easier. I just turn on the shower and let it steam up the room. I use a little Vick’s under his socks and a humidifyer in the room.

And of course I have to be the bad guy and use the nasal aspirator, but it really does help him breathe.

If it is a really bad coughing fit, we hang out in front of the freezer with the door open, and the cold air stops it almost instantly.

I just don’t know how a little guy can cough so much or so hard.
But he sure has been a trooper.

Even though he’s sick, Chazz has still been perfecting his walking skills. He walks more than he crawls, and toddles about from room to room.

Taking A Break


It’s amazing. And scary. And cool.
All at once.

Well except now it looks like Toy’s R Us in every room of our house.
It’s Total Toddler Mayhem!

Speaking of toddler mayhem… One of my favorite moments/pictures EVER this week:
Below is a picture I snapped of Chazz shutting me out of his room. Look ast the mischevious smile! He thinks it is fun to ‘run’ into his room and shut the door. Which is followed by hysterical giggles on both sides.

Until he realizes he is, in fact, shut in and cannot open the door himself.

Monster Boy

But the funny thing is, I open it and take him out or go in, and he does it all over again.
What a quirky little guy!